


Lover Dearest

by ZarryFTZouis



Series: Chrissy's Oneshots [71]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Love Letters, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-29
Updated: 2013-09-29
Packaged: 2017-12-27 23:50:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/985108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZarryFTZouis/pseuds/ZarryFTZouis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry reads the last letter he got from Zayn one last time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lover Dearest

**Author's Note:**

> Straight from my wattpad account yet again.
> 
> TISSUES ARE REQUIRED, I REPEAT, TISSUES ARE REQUIRED.

_Dear my love Harry,_

_It's been at least three weeks since the last time I wrote to you, hasn't it? I'm sorry, the requirements for the continuing educations in Bradford is quite harsh. Dear Allah, I still talk like I'm in this uni... It was the end of autumn when I wrote to you and now I see signs of snowfall in the sky... it's grey and I remember you so clearly._

_Remember when we used to sneak out of the academy whilst our stay in London? Or that night the nighttime security almost caught us so you pushed us both into the pond and we had the best/worst underwater kiss because the water was really murky and none of us liked walking back to our dorms sodden?_

_Yeah, call me a girl for reminiscing our fondest memories but I fucking miss you, I miss your touches in the mornings, breaking yet another rule to sleep with me so that I won't have nightmares. Your warmth was what I needed to get by and every morning, you would wake me up with tender kisses and whisper things in my ear that made me feel loved. Wanted._

_Remember our first kiss under that hawthorn and rowan trees that are interlocked so that the branches look like they're forming a crooked heart? To be honest, that was the first time I ever kissed a boy and it felt perfect. I think that was the exact moment I fell in love with you. Your lips felt so kissable. I knew I found the one who I can trust infinitely and beyond. By then, I knew it was impossible to NOT fall for your cute giggly laughs, your sweet dimpled smiles and most of all, your green eyes that I'd fallen for but they didn't know that then, did they? Your kiss was all I needed to confirm my deepest fears: I'd fallen for you hard and irrevocably._

_And that moment we tried to drive to Paris? So fucking hilarious! It was mid-June and you were all "I know basics of French, let's stay there for a while!" It was a fail. My family might have quite the fortune but not the best of luck. The moment we went on the highway, we went in the wrong direction and ended up in Bristol that night? We both laughed hard and decided to take a plane to France instead. The sun there was awfully strong and we both enjoyed it. You woke me up with sweet scents of exotic flowers each morning, tickling my nose with the petal. I recall I bit the petal one morning and spit out the bitter taster for at least a quarter hour. That was the highlight of our first year together._

_There are other fond memories from the first year though. That time we went to the Shakespeare play in Lucan during winter holidays that was fun. We hadn't a clue there would be nudity and you laughed at me when my face went beet-red after some men got naked during the last part of the play. I reckon I bit your lip hard on the way back to the academy. You told me you like it rough and that made me think of our relationship. Was I ready back then? Double hell no. I'd much rather see another stranger naked totally unprepared. I would've had much rather see you naked._

_And when we got into trouble, after a snowball fight with our peers? I think it was Niall who started it, cos it was after the Christmas holidays and the first snowfall since the school started. I think I took a picture of Niall trying to catch a snowflake with his tongue and spluttered when Louis shoved a snowball down the poor Irishman's throat. Quite literally. I'd never seen Niall so mad and he looked cute, but not as cute as you, Harold. Niall decided to make a snowball and insert a little ice chip, and throw it at Louis. It was amusing watching them exchange as well as snowballs until Louis "accidentally" threw a snowball at my unanticipating face. That was funny to Liam so I threw a snowball at Liam... and you joined in just for the sport of it. You threw a snowball at Liam's crotch area but it didn't really leave any mark that was funny. I laughed so hard, my vision blurry as I accidentally threw one at the headmaster. That was curtains for our little fun time._

_The second year was tougher, I reckon. We'd some fights, mostly because I wasn't ready to tell my family that I'm - you know - definitely bisexual and in relationship with you. I was scared, Haz. I was scared that they would disown me or some shit and leave me to rot in hell. You're all that I wanted and thought you'd be the wanted and yes, I was a cowardly brat. Scratch that, I was a fucking coward and a brat. Everyone knew you were gay so everything's been so much easier for you! Each night, I was debating myself whether or not to tell my parents, Hazza. I was afraid of losing those I love! But that doesn't matter anymore, does it? By the time you get this letter, nothing will ever matter anymore. But love does survive the best, at least that's what I've been told._

_The third year was the best, in my opinion, cos that's when we finally did it. Coming out to my parents  and our friends that is. Liam and Louis took it well, and considering Niall's shocked expression, I guess he didn't. After quite a while - a week? - Niall sent a bouquet of narcissus flowers with a note attached saying "I'm happy for you, mate. Try not to shag him every night, aye?" I spat my tea whilst reading the last part and my shirt is still stained. We did have our first time soon enough though, and I still remember it crystal clear._

_It was during Easter holidays, in April, and we were at your summer house in Italy - your family was quite rich, but not as mine are. It was so sunny and I think you wanted to take a dip in the indoor pool. I followed, and wasn't really prepared for what you'd in mind. It was just quarter after noon and you had a meal prepared there. With the candle-lit table and a bottle of Providence wine and everything. I think you're a wonderful cook, Haz. You should never stop, even after I'm gone._

_Then you laid me by the pool, your breath tickling me as you kissed me hard and deep, your hands resting on either side of my head as I cupped the back of your head, tugging at the curls you own. They always drew me, you know? I hated how much I needed you, just like I do now. You looked me in my eyes and said "I want you now". That was all I needed to convince myself, Harry. That you're the One for me and there's nothing in the world other than death. We undressed each other and you took me to heaven. I remember your hands on my body, as if you were marveling and memorising every inch of my skin. You tender kisses everywhere as I grew more aroused for you, Haz. You fucking made me beg for you to make love to me, and I think half the people of Verona heard me cos I was really loud._

_The autumn of our fourth year was... eventful, and it was the last year before graduation for me. You hated I couldn't make myself stay in London for uni. but you knew you couldn't change my mind. I didn't want to end our relationship when I threw harsh words at me, telling me you never wanted me and it was all for sex. I wanted to believe it so that it won't come down to the end of everything... I held on and that night, you sent me a single red rose with a note saying "come to me, I haven't meant a single thing I said this afternoon... I love you". You always had your way with words, Styles, and how to make me forgive you. Fortunate enough for both of us, it was before curfew and it wasn't that easy to make your roommate leave your room... he knew what was up with us. You kept me up all night, taking me to absolute places of ecstasy as I moaned out your name, and you've quite the stamina. I think we went to round five or six? You drove me crazy, and you knew it._

_Anyway, that year was not the best for me cos I knew that we have to say goodbye at the end. I didn't know that you were willing to keep a long-distance relationship cos we both knew it only works in movies and much-loved soap operas. Speaking of which, I hear Louis is now an acting teacher in some school in Doncaster. I've written my congratulating letter to him when I heard of it last month... Sorry for not writing this sooner but I hadn't a clue how to tell you this... I love you, and I always will. You broke into tears when I got accepted into Leeds Trinity University... I held you all night, whispering sweet nothings in your ears as we fell asleep, our limbs intertwined as we slept through most of the morning. I think the professors didn't care though, since it was a Monday... or was it a Tuesday? Hmm, forgive me for being... forgetful. It's hard for me to stay awake for longer than four hours these days and I'm writing this quite early, 4 in the morning?_

_I miss you, Harry. It's been at least a full year since the last time I went to London for your graduation day. I was your date, like you were mine for my grad. You threw the grad cap away and kissed me right away, not caring that almost a thousand people were gathered there to see us. I whispered "wanker" in your ear and you retorted with "not anymore". That was the cheekiest thing you've ever said to me._

_You took me to the London Eye, the first time we ever went there together. We went to the London Bridge and you shouted out "I'm in love with Zayn Javadd Malik forever and ever!" Some tourists noticed you and flipped you off... that wasn't nice and to think about it now, I think they were Americans. I wanted to go to America with you, to be honest. Go to Las Vegas, get proper drunk and get married. Things that never would have happened here. We had three months to ourselves and you decided to go back to Cheshire and be with your family again. I followed you back, and you introduced me to your family. I liked them; they were so friendly and at ease with me. How I wish I never got to know them better..._

_I returned to Bradford two weeks later, since my father wanted me to attend a fancy ball with his colleagues and wanted me as an accessory... sorry for the harsh word but we both know that is the truth. I never meant much to my parents until very recently..._

_Dear Allah, this letter's making me so damn emotional... I'm acting like a girl but even these words I write aren't enough to express how much my heart is missing you. How much it yearns to be held by your strong arms, your tender kisses on my jawline when we make love... You did that tongue thing, flicking it against my cheekbone when you rained kisses on the side of my face when we both reach our high. I fucking miss everything about you! I wish you were here to sing to me to sleep, my last sight before the slumber taking over being your magnetising emerald eyes instead of dull, lifeless black walls in my room. Haha, lifeless, did I just say that? Like it fucking matters though..._

_Remember the first day we met? I'll treasure is always, even after my death. I reckon it was the first week of your first year in the academy, and you were in advanced Vocals Coaching. You easily slid through the hall, really late and pissed off. I don't know how, but in black skinnys and red Ramones, you looked fucking hot. Being angry was a plus. You took a random seat in front of me, leaving me with a painful hard on for rest of the class. All I could think about was kissing your pink lips, rutting against your body as we lay on the bed, our fingers laced together. Why wasn't I sick of you yet? It was so easy for my thoughts to go back about you, lazily kissing you in the late summer sun, and having a tickle war or something. I fell in love, I knew that right away. Love at first sight, how more cliché can I get? I fell hard and quick and I began to question myself. Was I turning gay by the infamous Harry Styles, the resident flirt and - ah - quite the charmer. I did hear the others say how you were busy chasing after a teacher, at the age of 14, I guess. I strongly believed you were straight, as much as I used to be anyways. That same day, you switched into my drama class because your schedule was changed and my heart did that silly flipflop thing when the teacher coupled us up for a little skit. Our theme was bittersweet love/hate relationship and I absolutely wasn't faking it when I said my line. How I wish that were true... I did the improv thing and stage-kissed you, you know, cupping your cheeks and kissing the space between my thumbs... It felt so real and made me wonder how it'd be like to kiss your lips for real. I yearned to press my lips to your plump, pink ones, and cup your face as we kiss, our breaths mingling. My hand resting on the small of your back as we moan into the kiss, our lips mashing in sync and our chests rising and falling at the same time. From the moment I'd laid my eyes on you, I knew I had to get you. I didn't care that I believed to be straight that moment, I knew I had to make you mine. Your curls were shorter that year, I reckon. I longed to brush my fingers through them, cos I wanted to know if they felt as soft as they appear. Dear Allah, I wish I could do that ever again before we part ways... Anyway, you left me wanting to kiss you for the rest of the class, since the skits only took 20 minutes, and there's an hour and 20 minutes in each class. Everything with you was so complicated from the start. I'd three other classes and in art class, I found myself scribbling random sketches of your perfect lips, and I'd to erase them soon. I didn't fancy having my mates bug me about my drawings... I think the lesson I'd in art was Hellenism, and I thought of you immediately, our near-kiss still fresh in my mind... It wasn't until lunch when Niall brought you to our table, telling us you were in his gym class, and my heart did the silly flipflop thing again. Only three more afternoon classes to go, right? I hadn't a clue what love was until you came into my life. I had urges to fucking kiss you, and you kept grinning at me like a Cheshire cat, which I found super cute and super arousing. You blew me a kiss at the end of lunch time, and my cock did a zero-to-ninety at that. The way you smiled at me was downright sexy. I had that weird fluttery feeling in my stomach - I think you call it the butterflies? - and you were the main cause of it. I think the day I fell for you is the best day of my life, Harry. Not even death can tear us apart if true love really prevails, Haz. Anyways, that day. You told me I have the plumpest looking lips during the little break between classes when we met in the hallway and I blushed, fucking blushed at your words. Now now, that was in autumn so I guess the heating system was an excuse I could use. Besides, who wouldn't blush when a guy like you compliments them? A corpse would be like that. No, scratch that, even a corpse would blush at your words, Harold. You can make even the Queen smile at her worst day. You were the lover I needed in my life, and that's exactly what happened. You swept me off my feet with your charms, and I did nothing to resist. At the end of the day, we met during the study session in the library. You were studying French, I recall. French 1, which I thought was ridiculous to take. I, being the language-phobic guy I am, just watched you from the distance, marveled by your beauty in the dim light. You smiled at me when our gazes met, your eyes sparkling with so much humour and life. You mouthed the words "je t'aime" and I thought you meant "I like you", not the other L-word. But that didn't stop me from grinning like a fool for rest of the hour. That was one of the cutest thing you ever did, saying cute little phrases in French as you studied and I was having a hard time focusing on European History. That girl Hayley kept glancing at you with lustful eyes and I shot her a hard glare, since you were mine. Well, not at the time but I'm crazy possessive, you know that very well. At the end of the study period, you came directly to me, and whispered "wanna go for a walk? It'll worth your while...". It sure did, Hazza. That was when we kissed for the very first time. You took me to the little forest in the schoolgrounds, right next to the small football field. You took my hand and held it the entire time. I, of course, was too busy smiling. You guided to the ancient hawthorn and rowan tree, the ones with branches interlocked in a way that looks like a heart. You kissed me then, your lips firmly pressing against mine, and I found myself kissing you back eagerly. You pushed me back towards the tree so that my back was against the rowan tree. You nudged my lips apart and took control of the kiss, which I enjoyed very much. You pulled away and told me "that was quite a kiss, Zayn.". I straightened my clothes - your hands were fisted into my shirt - and replied "it was nothing, I just wanted to know how it's like to kiss a bloke.". The hurt in your eyes were painful for me to look at, Haz. You ran off, leaving me alone with utter regret and guilt. Later that night, I got a text from Niall saying I should talk to you. Instead of talking to you, I ignored you for a week. Well, five days but who's counting? We were in the library again and I didn't miss it when you kept looking at me with sorrow-filled eyes, begging to me to look at you. I was dying inside, Haz. I didn't know what to do, and where that was headed. I decided against my better judgment and sat next to you, ignoring hate-filled glares from half the people in the library. You spared a glance towards me and grinned when you recognised me. My heart did the stupid flipflop thing again, and I blushed. I think that's one of the things I miss; you making me blush like a girl. Hell, what I wouldn't do to have you here, cos I wish that you were here. You were memorising vocab for French and since I didn't take French beyond year 8, I wasn't really helpful with that. I asked me what the word "noisette" meant I honestly thought that meant "black". I looked up later and it means "hazel", Harold. Just like my eyes, you'd say. That day, we ended up going to the forest again, where you kissed me. You took me to the spot and said "I wanna kiss you again". As an answer, I leaned forward, pressing my lips to yours. You kissed back, your hand caressing the back of my neck. I wrapped my arms around your waist, and held you close as we kissed by the rowan and hawthorn trees. After that kiss, I asked you to be mine and you said yet. That was the happiest day of my entire life._

_Now, I really wish you were the last person I can see before I leave. As in die, Harry. I've been diagnosed with terminal cancer, in the pancreas. I researched on this and survival rate of pancreatic cancer patients is very low. And the treatments? Only prolongs my life for couple weeks. I've 3 wees to 3 months left and I'm not going without a fight. I'm in the 2nd stage so maybe there's hope for me. I wanted our 5th year to be the one when I propose to you but I guess that won't happen._

_Haz, I don't want you to keep holding onto our memories together and not move on. I want you to get over me fair and quick so that you can live the life you always wanted. Be a college student and graduate with a degree in laws and crimonology. Go out and discover the world. Eventually find the right guy and get married. Have kids and watch them grow up. I'll be watching, just not with you._

_I love you, no, I'm in love with you, and all your little things._

_With lots of love,_

_Zaynie_

   That was six months ago. Three months of denial and pure hell. I took a train to Bradford but the Maliks wouldn't let me see Zayn one last time. Their excuse was that he was a patient and didn't need an emotional distruption. All I could do was cry outside the little secreted area, in the waiting room, my tears burning as I cried for Zayn.

   I didn't move on, as Zayn wanted. Instead, I dropped out of college and started doing things I never ventured. Drugs, smoking and one night stands are what I live by now and I don't want to stay any longer. My life isn't complete without Zayn's love in it.

   I read the letter one last time and put it beside the little note I wrote.

   I drive to the nearest high point and looked below at the crashing waves.

   I take one step off, my eyes closed, and fall into down, down, down...

    _Maybe in death I'll see Zayn again..._


End file.
